Asking questions – but how?

We love talking in negotiations: about us, what we want, why we want it and even more about how the other side’s desires are nonsense. However, on the other side of the table sits the source of information that I can use to improve my outcome. I just have to get the source to bubble.

In negotiations, questions serve to get your counterpart to tell you something about themselves and their motives. And that’s essential because a negotiation is a process of gathering information.

1. What do I actually want to know?

You need to gather information, but people hate being interrogated. Wrong questions cause friction, reduce the relationship and prolong the process.

Asking questions is therefore not an end in itself. You should have a clear idea of what you actually want to achieve and which types of questions are helpful and which are dangerous.

In Plato’s Menon dialogue, Socrates skillfully interrogates a young, uneducated slave. Through targeted questions, Socrates tricks the slave into solving a complex geometric problem. This task involves determining the length of the side of a square that has twice the area of an already known square. The clever questions guide the slave towards a deeper understanding of the problem. In this context, Socrates shows how the right questioning technique can be used to steer a conversation partner in a targeted manner.

Socrates therefore had a clear goal in mind. You should have that too.

Therefore: First ask yourself what you actually want to work out.

2. Formulate a specific question

Not all questions are the same. For our use in negotiations, you should ask targeted but open questions. You have to carefully align the questions with a specific problem, just as you calibrate a scale or focus a telescope.

Well-formulated targeted but open questions are always related to the problem that you and the person you are talking to are competing for the same thing, namely to get your ideas accepted. However, to solve the problem amicably, you need as much information as possible from the other person. So the question is: What is the best way to ask targeted and open questions?

The good news is that there are clear rules for asking effective questions. First, use targeted but open-ended questions that don’t include words like “can,” “is,” “are,” “have,” or “will.” These words are typical of closed-ended questions that can only be answered with “yes” or “no.” Instead, you should ask targeted open-ended questions that begin with the classic question words: who, what, when, where and how? These question words encourage your counterpart to think more deeply about the topic and provide more detailed explanations.

To simplify the list of question words even further, it’s best to start your questions with “what” or “how” – without any other additions. Questions beginning with “who”, “when” and “where” often only lead to superficial facts, while “what” or “how” questions encourage your counterpart to go through deeper thought processes and reveal additional information. This is because “what” and “how #2 act like a canvas onto which your conversation partner can project their own interpretations. This, in turn, can provide you with valuable information for negotiations, such as the importance of an issue, the underlying interests or the decision-making processes of your negotiating partners.

Although limiting yourself to just two question words may seem restrictive at first glance, psychologically speaking, it allows you to precisely target almost any question to a specific problem.

Some examples that I use more often in negotiations:

• How could you support this outcome?
• What do you like about this solution?
• What don’t you like about this solution/proposal?
• What are your reasons for making this decision?
• What is the biggest challenge you face?
• How would you like me to proceed?
• What has brought us to this situation?
• How can we solve this problem?

Each question should, of course, be tailored to your own goal, as with Socrates. You will use these questions to provoke wordy explanations that will provide you with useful information. This is the first step in getting your counterpart to see your problem – as well as the obstacles to agreement – as their own and to seek an amicable solution. Your solution.

3. questions for difficult personalities

However, there are also personality styles, such as “conscientious”, “vigilant” or “paranoid” personalities, who quickly feel interrogated.

Even worse, they hate answering any kind of question at all. They need at least hours to think through every aspect of an answer before they react, and then they need to sleep on those answers before they communicate them to you. Do you really want to wait hours for an answer to every question you ask?

A special questioning technique can help here, one that simultaneously collects information and develops a relationship. It is often described as the skill that “unlocks the floodgates of truth talk”. The personality typologies mentioned above also react to this.

If the person you are talking to tends to

1. answer briefly,
2. evasively, or
3. if you suspect that “unspoken negative emotions or dynamics” are present during a negotiation

use what is known as an “inflection point”.

With an “inflection point”, you provoke a statement because you use an assumption. However, this assumption must be framed in a “neutral” way.

That is why an “inflection point” always requires a similar, non-binding structure and begins, for example, with:

• “It seems that…”
• “It sounds like…”
• “It looks like…”

“It seems that you have a reason to say that… this… if you are asking this…”.

An ‘inflection point’ puts a presupposition into the room that positively provokes you to correct it. It enables you to get an unvarnished answer at the moment the question is asked. It also actually enhances the relationship with the person you are talking to.

A simple yet effective rhetorical tool in your negotiation toolbox.