Why a “why” can be helpful

We are all natural born questioners as children. We keep asking and asking and take nothing for granted. An ability that many of us have forgotten in adulthood.

In negotiations, questions serve to get your counterpart to tell you something about themselves and their motives. And that is essential because a negotiation is a process of gathering information. There are many types of questions.

Just don’t use “why”!

However, there is no place in the universe where the question “why?” does not put the addressee on the defensive. A little self-experiment: Next time your boss gives you a task, ask “why?” and watch her reaction. Expand this self-experiment to include your partner, colleagues, friends or employees. I promise you it will be interesting! Observe their reactions and see if you notice a certain defensive attitude. The reason for this is that many people interpret a “why?” as a question about their moral values. As a “question of guilt”. This is quickly taken as an accusation. Even under the MRI (magnetic resonance imaging), a medical imaging procedure that uses strong magnetic fields and radio waves to produce detailed images of the brain, it was found that “why” questions increasingly lead to reactions in the limbic system of the brain, while other types of questions are processed in the cognitive, conscious part of the brain. This means that asking “why” triggers (negative) emotions. The result is that you don’t get an answer, but a counterattack, and that has a negative effect on the relationship. So don’t overdo it with the little self-experiment, otherwise you’ll lose your job, partner and all your friends.

Never a “why” at all?

However, there is one reason to use the question “why?” effectively in a negotiation.

The only time you can successfully use “why” is in a conversation where the defensive attitude that this word automatically triggers in the recipient leads to a change in the way they look at things in your favor. It consists of using the defensive attitude that it triggers to get your counterpart to defend your position. That’s not a typo! I actually mean “your position” that is being defended. With this type of question, it is even more important that you be clear about what you actually want to achieve. The basic format is this: If you want to bring a doubting negotiating partner over to your side, ask him, “Why would you do that?” However, you have to phrase the question so that the “that” works in your favor. Let me explain. If you are bent on poaching a customer from a competitor, you could ask:

• Why would you ever do business with me?
• Why would you ever change your supplier? He’s excellent!

In a different approach to a project, for example:

• Why would you ever allow a different project implementation?
• Why would you suddenly do things differently than before and try out my method/our product/my service?
• Why would you agree to this project in particular?

There are no limits to the variety of uses. This “why” in these questions urges your conversation partner to defend themselves and act in your favor. The psychological reason for this is that by considering and answering, they question their own limiting thought processes without feeling attacked.

So the “why” question is a helpful tactic in the negotiation rhetoric toolbox.

Why not give it a try!